There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
