I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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