Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i drank out of a bidet.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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