we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
