I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
