He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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