So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
