why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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