I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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