I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
