No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
