What did we do last night that was yellow?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
