Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
