worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just had sex on a roof
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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