He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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