Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
