We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
