Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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