The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
