eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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