Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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