so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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