did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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