I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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