So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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