Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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