After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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