Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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