just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
