So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
