I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The cops high fived after they tackled you
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
