Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
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My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
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There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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