take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Say something about gay babies.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
