Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
