hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
