Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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