forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
