My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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