I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
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Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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