look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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