Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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