I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
