So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
