Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
