what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
