I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
