Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
