I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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