Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
