My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize