My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Randomize
