i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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