Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
