A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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